It’s Saturday, I should be sleeping or cleaning or doing anything other than trying to keep up with a four year old. Yes some days it is very hard but the truth is I believe we have saved each other. My son (my grandchild’s daddy) passed away 6 months and 13 days before my grandson was born. My world as I knew it was torn apart but that’s for another time. I was away for work when my grandson was born, I cried missing out on the birth of this little miracle. The thing is that it was okay, and my daughter was able to be there in my place. A once in a lifetime miracle and she was there to watch her brother’s child be born, it is the way things were meant to be.
My grandchild is now 4 1/2 years old and the current love of my life. I look into his big brown eyes and hear his beautiful innocent laugh, I know just how precious this little miracle really is. I have watched him grow, walk and talk and listened to his stories. We play super heroes and turn the living room into dinosaur land. How could any day not be the most wonderful day ever? Every day with him is a blessing, I remind myself daily especially when I am tired and wish I could just be a grandma.
Yes, I am tired and the house is full of toys, experiments (crafts) and other things I am not quite sure of. Sometimes I wish just for some quiet time alone or to just jump in the car and drive anywhere. Life is no easier now being a grandparent “parent” then it was while I raised my children. The guilt for wishing for just a moment of silence or to watch a movie without answering a million questions throughout the entire thing can be quite over powering.
The truth: this is not easy and sometimes it feels completely impossible to continue. Would I change it? Not if it meant not knowing what kind of life he would be truly living if things were different. He is such a smart, imaginative, beautiful little boy so much so that my heart over flows with so much love for him. It is possible to be tired and happier than ever known possible at the same time.
There are so many of us grandparents that have taken on the roll of full time “parents”, I feel sad knowing the parents the ones who could be there for these children actually choose not to be. So on those days where I just want to run away and say there is no way I can continue I hold my grandson tighter and tell him how very special he is to me. We snuggle closer and begin a new day tomorrow, for as many tomorrows as I am chosen to be blessed with the luck of loving this child with every ounce of my being.
For all of you who know exactly what I am seeing, feeling and living I send you hugs. Remember to snuggle closer and love with every ounce of your being, these little ones need us just as much as we need them. I may have saved him from a very different life but he saves me every single moment of my life. My purpose in this world is not over yet, neither is yours. That is my reminder to all of you when you are tired and feel ready to give up, remember you are their miracle and their hero forever.