Living While Grieving the Loss of My Son to Suicide

Every morning my alarm goes off, I get up and start my day. Whether that is going to work or just taking care of my grandson. Every morning my son is still my first thought and as I go through my day the memories seem to hit me like a punch in the gut.

Memories, so many memories some happy some sad. Isn’t that just a normal part of life? The difference – my memories whether happy or sad are filled with guilt, anger and anxiety. Every single memory of my son brings that ache in my heart the knot in my stomach and tears so many tears.

I had tried counseling a few years ago, it was not the right fit for me. I went a few times until I finally realized it was in no way helping me process my grief. So what did I do, I stopped going. I let life take over, going to work, paying bills and taking care of my grandson. That was all I had time for until I made the major decision to change everything about my life. My daughter sent me a link to a group for Survivors of Suicide that is local and I attended my first meeting this last week. What did I learn, 1 hour is definitely not enough time. I also was able to speak freely about my feelings, my anger, my guilt, my sadness. How I feel isolated because no matter how much someone is just trying to help me it feels as if I am being judged. This causes me to feel so alone and isolated in my grief, if I allow my true feelings to show it causes everyone to worry about me. This group allowed me to just feel, and be completely honest and open about my true feelings. I am thankful I attended however saddened that such a group needs to exist. I look forward to continuing my journey with this group, a group that none of us want to have to be a part of.

So today I enjoy a day off, spend time with my grandson and putting my words to paper (so to speak). Living life while grieving is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don’t have a choice and I have no idea how I actually accomplish this everyday. If you too are trying to live life while grieving know you are not alone. There are others that do actually understand and do actually feel what you are feeling. Our circumstances may be different but no less heartbreaking. I have had to learn in the past 4 1/2 years that I have to do things at my pace and not everyone can accept that. As I hope they will continue to love me and support me I also hope they can do their best to understand there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no milestone as to where I or any of us should be in our stage of grief. I lost my child and every breath is painful, but I am here and I am living the best I can through this unbearable heartache.

I do feel joy and I know that is ok, I just wish it wasn’t layered with unending sadness.

Until next time…….”To the Moon”

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The Day Life Became Known as Before and After

“I am so sorry Anna” the words read, and I knew then my son was gone!! During the phone call I begged “Where is my son? Please tell me he is ok! Where is my son?!” He was not ok, he was gone with no goodbye and no real reason why. Time stopped and everything kind of blurs after that, even today it seems my memory does not work properly.

My world as I knew it ended that day, the me that once was strong and confident no longer existing. My oldest child, my son completed suicide on 7/21/2014 and life has never been the same since.

I will tell you more of my story at another time, today I talk about the pain, the feelings of hopelessness, confusion, my literal broken heart. It’s been 4 years, 6 months and 18 days how is it the pain somehow feels worse. The ache inside is real and physical, my heart is completely shattered. How did this happen? How can I still find myself in denial at times? How is it possible to relive the worst moment of your life every single day? I cannot handle any type of stress, I used to be stronger. I cannot deal with anything that may be even close to possibly causing me pain. I cry for no reason, no longer everyday but at any given moment. I don’t understand how this could be real, I find myself looking for him everywhere I go. I was afraid to make any changes, don’t move, don’t cancel his phone, don’t change your email!! What if he cannot find or contact you? No I am not delusional I know my son is gone, yet there is still a part of me that longs to deny the reality of his absence. Others have a hard time understanding, they want to help. I cannot handle the things I once could, and seeing I am not the person I once was they can only see this as something that needs to be fixed. No loved one wants to see me be a shell of myself, but there is nothing that can bring back the person they knew so long ago. There are times I wonder if I should be better by now, should I be fixed not so broken? Then I think of the almost 22 years I had with my son, I can see the day he was born just as clearly as the day he left this world. I have become part of a club no parent ever wants to join, no parent ever should be a part of. We are not supposed to lose our children, they are not supposed to leave before us. Sometimes I am still numb, other times I ache so badly I swear I will literally fall apart and I am angry so very angry. I don’t know who to be angry with, myself? My son? God? My family? The doctors that released him even though they knew he was not well? I blame everyone and no one! I just don’t want to hurt anymore, I do not want to miss him anymore, I want him home and safe and for this to be nothing more than a very bad nightmare.

A part of me knows that every single feeling I have is a normal part of grief, but how awful is that? There should be no “normal” part of grief, it should not hurt this bad and it should ” be normal.

Today is a paragraph of feelings, next time I will share a different chapter.

Until then. (To the moon)