Every morning my alarm goes off, I get up and start my day. Whether that is going to work or just taking care of my grandson. Every morning my son is still my first thought and as I go through my day the memories seem to hit me like a punch in the gut.
Memories, so many memories some happy some sad. Isn’t that just a normal part of life? The difference – my memories whether happy or sad are filled with guilt, anger and anxiety. Every single memory of my son brings that ache in my heart the knot in my stomach and tears so many tears.
I had tried counseling a few years ago, it was not the right fit for me. I went a few times until I finally realized it was in no way helping me process my grief. So what did I do, I stopped going. I let life take over, going to work, paying bills and taking care of my grandson. That was all I had time for until I made the major decision to change everything about my life. My daughter sent me a link to a group for Survivors of Suicide that is local and I attended my first meeting this last week. What did I learn, 1 hour is definitely not enough time. I also was able to speak freely about my feelings, my anger, my guilt, my sadness. How I feel isolated because no matter how much someone is just trying to help me it feels as if I am being judged. This causes me to feel so alone and isolated in my grief, if I allow my true feelings to show it causes everyone to worry about me. This group allowed me to just feel, and be completely honest and open about my true feelings. I am thankful I attended however saddened that such a group needs to exist. I look forward to continuing my journey with this group, a group that none of us want to have to be a part of.
So today I enjoy a day off, spend time with my grandson and putting my words to paper (so to speak). Living life while grieving is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don’t have a choice and I have no idea how I actually accomplish this everyday. If you too are trying to live life while grieving know you are not alone. There are others that do actually understand and do actually feel what you are feeling. Our circumstances may be different but no less heartbreaking. I have had to learn in the past 4 1/2 years that I have to do things at my pace and not everyone can accept that. As I hope they will continue to love me and support me I also hope they can do their best to understand there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no milestone as to where I or any of us should be in our stage of grief. I lost my child and every breath is painful, but I am here and I am living the best I can through this unbearable heartache.
I do feel joy and I know that is ok, I just wish it wasn’t layered with unending sadness.
Until next time…….”To the Moon”